nulifeonline.com

I'm glad to see that, in an age where there seems to be no separation of church and state, the glorious building of smut remains a fixture in our society.  Now they are not exactly on every corner like a starbucks, but I think there are enough to go around.  

One of the things that fascinates me about these stores, are the names themselves.  No, I'm not talking about the cute 'pun on words' that a select few have, but the overall concept being shown to the public.  For instance, who started the term 'adult movies', and 'adult books'.  As a kid, when I thought of these two terms, I thought of Nightmare on Elm Street and something with 'grown-up words' in it.  But there I was, 1:00 am on wednesday night, stopping over at the old store of stores. Oh, and by the way, I recommend going on such a time, on such a weeknight, to get the full perverted experience.  I mean, if your gonna do it, do it right.

Let me say this first off, if there was a legit customer service survey to be filled out, I believe that this 'business', and its employees, would get some of the highest satisfaction ratings of all time.  For some reason, every employee i've encountered in one of these wonderful establishments has been as friendly as friendly can be.  

Now I come to my second thought, which is that, if you can, go with a significant other. (Yeah, I know what you are thinking, if you have the 'other', then there is no need to be there for...well...yourself).  But times have changed my good people.  Like most businesses and industries, they have adapted to the times.  It has now come to be very hip, trendy, and fashionable to even go 'window-shopping' at such fine establishments for one's own entertainment.  However, let's get back to the filth shall we.  On this night, I went with my wife, and gave her the gift of satisfying knowledge regarding the myth, urban legend, and secrecy that is the "back room".  This is where it get's fun.

First of all, prior to arrival for this 'ride', you must first approach the counter of the shop, and find the courage to ask about the details of entering such a dwelling.  Then, upon 'paying your admittance fee', you can now enter what this particular store, called the "Arcade".  Wait....what?.....Arcade?.......thats right ladies and gentlemen, its called the Arcade room.  Funny, I don't recall seeing any games playing....(well, maybe I did).

Now enter creepiness.  No.....literally......you enter creepiness at this point.  It was like Night of the Living Dead in this room.  I almost felt like I was in the middle of a Michael Jackson thriller video, only there was little to no sound, and no dancing.

It was then time to, shall we say, review the tv shows/movies showing for the evening.  Once the movies/channels were reviewed and discussed, a plan of action was set in motion, and my wife and I, as two respectful adults, proceeded to do what we felt was most appropriate at the time, and that was to walk as fast as possible to the nearest booth.  

After maneuvering through what seemed like an endless amount of wandering-aimlessly- looking-gentlemen, we scurried on over to the booth farthest in the back and locked the door.  You know, I gotta admit, this might have been one of the cleanest looking places (of this kind) I have ever seen.  So, well, let's start channel surfing, shall we?

Apparently, we chose one that seemed to be having some technical difficulties, and so there was not sound.  ( I know what you are thinking now.  Who needs sound?). Well, I feel it adds to the experience.  Anyway, there we were, enjoying our viewing.  Well, I was kind of enjoying the viewing.  My wife, on the other hand, was still caught up in the whole realization of where she was, and seemed to lose track of what was going on for a bit.  But she later snapped out of it, just long enough to notice that her jacket seemed to be catching on something behind her, on the wall where she was sitting.  She then got up, moved over closer to me, and looked towards the wall where she was.  And that is when we saw the 'glory hole'.  You know, there's a word for this moment.  Yeah, you guessed it, its PRICELESS.  

Well, let's just say that, after we let it all sink in, (and after I made numerous bad jokes about wondering how long before something pokes through), we decided to try another booth in this arcade.So we found another booth.  One without any, uh, cracks in the foundation around us.  And now is when we got to fully experience the world of porn.  

Now, here is where, once again, its not good for someone to be with a comedian.  My wife was getting over a bad sickness, which is causing her to now begin coughing.  I swear, on all that his holy (how bout that expression in this blog), every time she would cough, I would hear someone else, in the distance, cough.  Now, I don't know about you, but here is what I was thinking.  Hmmmm, is the cough some kind of signal to the other patrons, that you would like some.......company....... Oh, did I mention that I said this out loud to my wife........ Oh, and did I mention that the booth we were in, were a lot like bathroom stalls, in that the walls don't touch the ground, and people could easily put their feet and hands through. 

And so it was, we spent the next 20 minutes watching random 'adult tv' on a small screen.  (Cough).......(cough)...........shadows of feet moving back and forth, back and forth, like some kind of creepy version of every day foot traffic in a busy city, on and on, until alas our time was up. And off we went back into reality.

Now, If I could interview anyone in the 'Arcade room' that night, it would definitely be the last guy I saw in that room.  As soon as my wife and I exited the booth, some interesting looking man immediately walked, at an extremely fast moving pace, directly at us, and seemed to hurry himself right into the booth we just came out of.  

This got me thinking.  Hmmmmmm, he saw a woman walk out first.  Then he saw a guy walk out smiling ( I admit, that whole experience gave me a creepy grin )......... Hey, I know, that guy probably thought my wife was, uh, shall we say, working that night.  Oh how I crack myself up sometimes.  I enjoyed putting that thought into my wife's head on the ride home.

So long store of enchantment.  See you next time.

WHATAYATHINKATHAT?